Love

There is no time when I have felt more loved than when my sweet husband has cared for me after the birth of each of our children.  Having our babies at home has meant that he has been my "nurse" from right after delivery until I have fully recovered (not to mention comforting me through labor and preparing the house for the birth).  This care includes things I won't detail here, if you've had children, you know what I'm talking about.  Suffice to say, it is humbling for me to be taken care of by my strong husband when I am in the midst of such ups and downs physically and emotionally.  His love for me when I feel my worst is the love that speaks to me of his commitment to me and our children.  I love Ram dearly and intensely.  He is the man I am supposed to be with, to make a family with and to grow old with.

Family Photos 2011

When we bought our house 10 years ago, we were so excited about living near Royer Park.  It is the best park in Roseville.  Just across the stream from downtown and the library and only a few blocks from our house.  Right away, I envisioned our children getting to grow up playing at a park filled with mature trees and the charm of an old neighborhood.  I also pictured having our family photos taken there someday- having fun  in our park. 

Finally, in November, we spent some time with my friend Anna on a beautiful Autumn day, posing for photos while we played at our park.  Anna is not only a good friend, but a great photographer who did a great job capturing our family and our personality.  I love our first family session.  I am sure there will be more to come.

Cascade Shores

We took a trip out to Ram's old playing place.  He grew up outside Nevada City near Scotts Flat Lake.  I think this is what Ram pictures when we dream of our children being able to have access to the land like we did when we were young.  It is our hope that we will be able to provide this for our children in some capacity.  For now, it will have to be limited to visits on weekends. 

Axel had so much fun at the lake.  He went "swimming", threw rocks and went exploring with Daddy.  The days leading up to our day trip, I was so full of stress and depression, I could not even make up my mind what to do on our weekend.  This trip was just what I needed.  It was so peaceful to be out in God's great creation (even though man actually made this lake :)  The weather was beautiful and, as I held, nursed and played with my sweet Autumn, I had the pleasure of watching my husband do what he most desires to do with his son.  It was one of those times when they seemed to be exactly where they should be.  They were having an adventure, just like Ram did as a young boy on that same shoreline. 

It was perfect.  My heart swelled, and I was so thankful for the family that God has given to me.  Such sweet times revive my soul.

Fathers Day 2011

We love our Daddy and grandpas. 

Autumn's First Trip to the City

I decided, after many months of not having the courage, to take both kids to San Francisco on the train.  Ram was working there, so we decided to invite Grandma for a little adventure- a test trip with our new double stroller- to see if we could handle spending a day there.  Of course, it was a requirement that Autumn wear tie-dye for her first trip.

We got up early Thursday morning and headed to the train station.  It was a good start and we had a nice train ride, despite Axel saying, "Done.  Off train?" when we stopped at the Sacramento station, 2 hours before our final destination.

We visited Daddy at his office, where we always get a lot of attention.  It's not every day cute little babies show up in the office.   We walked around a bit looking at some of the sights by the ferry building.  Then, it was time for a yummy cheeseburger lunch and more walking. 

Don't let this photo fool you.  Autumn spent hardly any time riding in the stroller, and this may have been the only time she was not crying while in it.  We didn't get far at all.  Actually, we hardly saw or did anything. 

 

Toward the end of our trip, we found a playground in China Town.  This was a much needed break for Axel, and the rest of us.

The highlight of the trip for me came when my little boy was actually tired of walking and asked to be carried.  This might have been the first time he has ever asked for me to carry him.  I strapped on the Ergo carrier and held him as we walked to the bus stop.  This was a moment I have missed for about 10 months, since I had to stop wearing him when my pregnant belly got to big.  I think I almost cried.

After a little playtime, it was time to meet Daddy and board the train to head home.  We sat next to the party group on the train ride home.  At first, we wondered if we should move, but it soon became clear to me that this would provide some good entertainment for Axel, and a break from keeping him constrained to his seat for us.  He chatted up the tipsy commuters for much of the ride home.

We were exhausted that night and the following day.  Axel was thoroughly over stimulated by the city, and being awake for the whole 13 hour trip was a bit much.  It took us a couple of days to recover.  I am still not sure if or when we will make another trip like this, but we did have fun.

Sweethearts

With all of my heart, I am thankful for the 12 years that has passed since I promised to spend my life with this man.  Marriage is tough.  Marriage is joyous.  I think, maybe, I make it tough as much as I make it joyous for Ram.  He is, however, dedicated to me.  He is full of forgiveness and grace for my attitudes and my follies.  He is happy to share in my joys, but not afraid to walk through my sorrows with me, as well.  We are far from perfect, but I am so glad that we can admit that to one another and have the grace that we need to love each other through it.  I am so thankful to have someone who loves me as much when I am utterly unlovable as when I am at my best. 

I love my husband.     

The Bed That Daddy Made

Autum's cosleeper that Ram built. I love having my baby so close and in such a cool bed.

Axel's Birth Story

It has been over a year and a half since Axel was born, and I have wanted to get this written out for some time. As I contemplate this impending second birth and how the story will unfold, it is a comfort to look back with such fondness to our first home birth experience.

So, here is the story of the home birth of Axel River.

It started with a video by Rikki Lake when I was about 12 weeks pregnant. Ram and I looked at each other, and he said, "Well, I guess we're having a home birth". I was surprised by his enthusiasm, since it was stronger than my own, but I didn't see any alternative. We found our midwives, Claudia and Jen, and we were in it.

What came about over the next months was a realization in my heart that I was meant to do this. I was meant to carry this baby in my womb. My body was designed and perfectly formed to do the work of nurturing and forming the child inside. So, naturally, this meant that I was perfectly equipped to give birth to him as well. I came to the strong opinion that no doctor or nurse, or anyone for that matter, could tell me what and how I needed to labor and deliver this child that I alone had been carrying and bonding with. We were a team, and we were made to do this together.

I knew from the beginning that God was telling me that He would guide me. That He had created my body so perfectly for giving birth to this child, and that He would help me get through it. I didn't need medication, or constant monitoring. I especially didn't need to be in a hospital. Rather, I needed to be in the most comfortable environment I could create, my own home. I believe with all of my heart that being here, in my nest, was the key to having such a beautiful and peaceful experience.

At 42 weeks, 1 day gestation, I was extremely anxious about getting this baby out, yet, still, no signs. I had spent the day in the rain, digging out old concrete from the yard. I was walking, and yes, I was doing the other things too. My midwives were really putting the pressure on me to get the show on the road. Much longer, and the baby could be in danger, which would have meant a trip to the hospital. So, after attempts at herbal remedies, pressure point and other stimulation, as well as acupuncture, I was down to my last option: CASTOR OIL! I was fearful, to say the least. I had been advised by nearly everyone except my midwives not to do it. But, when I had spent the last 9 months preparing to be at home, I was willing to try it.

So, at 42 weeks, 2 days we went on a morning walk as one last ditch effort. Nothing. I was at a loss. So, at half past noon, I made that castor oil shake. Several huge scoops of chocolate ice cream, a couple of dollops of peanut butter, a little milk and 3 ounces of castor oil! I drank it down. That walk was the last walk we would ever take, just the two of us...

Two hours after I finished that shake, labor began. Maybe two cramps and then labor, hard labor. Ram called the midwives to let them know something was happening. They said one them would be by in an hour or two to check in and see my progress. Ram called my mom to tell her I was in early labor. I said, "I don't think this is early labor". I sure hoped it wasn't. I couldn't imagine that real labor was harder than that. The only thing that helped me handle the pain was squeezing Ram finger or his thigh. The few times he couldn't be in the room during a contraction, I felt like I was going to lose it. When Jen got to our house to check me, she was surprised to see that I was laboring hard. Upon a check, she determined that I was dilated to 6. Good news for me. That meant I could get in the tub as soon as it was ready. I did just that, and stayed there for the next several hours.

The tub was like a miracle for me. The water was so soothing. I was able to float through my contractions. I had found my "roar" as they call it, and was making my noise of choice while floating in the tub. This was it. I was having a baby. I was in my baby's bedroom. I was doing it.

Much of what happened for those hours is a blur. I know our family was there in the living room. I know I ate frozen cubes of juice and chocolate pudding. I know the midwives had me get out of the tub and try some other positions and places, but all I wanted was that tub. As I floated there, Ram sat in front of me, calm as he always is. He wore his t shirt that reads, "This too, will pass" I stared at that shirt as I moaned. Just as the pain seemed to have taken all I could give, I had the strong urge to push. I was told to check my cervix to feel if there was any lip around the baby's head. What an amazing feeling! To feel my child's head moving downward through me. It gave me such a peace to feel his head right there. There was no lip. I was ready to push.

It took a while for me to figure out the pushing thing. Claudia would guide me and show me where to focus my efforts. From my vantage point, I could see the baby's head moving down with each push. Finally, after about 90 minutes of pushing, a tiny little baby slid out into the water, still in the unbroken sack (en caul). Claudia broke open the sack and handed the baby to me. He was a little gurgly, but crying. I called the family in to see. Photos were taken, everyone was so excited. I yelled out, "I still don't know if it's a girl or a boy". It took me a moment to get my bearings and turn the baby a bit to see that it was a boy! We all cheered! What a moment. I had my child in my arms. My husband was next to me with tears streaming down his cheeks. I was good. I was great. I had just faced serious pain and gone through it with the ones I loved most, my husband and my new little boy. We were a team, a team of three. We did it, I did it. I knew I could. Though I had my moments of doubt and others sure had theirs, I followed my heart and my convictions. God created me for this, and He lead us through it together. I wouldn't change that for anything.

Big Helper

These days, Ram has a #1 Right Hand Man for all of his yard work needs. This guys does great work. He scoops up handfulls of dirt at a time,
spins wheels,

and pushes an empty wheelbarrow back and forth on the driveway.

At this pace, we plan to have the back yard completed in no time. Thanks for all your hard work, Big Helper.

Capturing Us

My brother, Ben came down with his camera to take some photos of us as a family of 3. It won't be long before that all changes, and, though we are so excited to meet our newest family member, we want to treasure this time as much as we can.

By the way, I am so crazy about these two adorable boys!

Nevada County Fair 2010

Yesterday was our highly anticipated day at the fair. Axel woke up sick with a cold that morning, but we decided to go. Once we were seeing the sights, he was in a chipper mood. Axel responded with such fearlessness to the animals. He thought it was so funny to feed them the "grass" right out of his hands.

He loved seeing the piggies, goats, cows, chickens and sheep. He got right to their level. He even licked about a 6 inch section of a rail in the goat pens. That was a little too close for me. What if a goat heiney had been on that? Oh gross! He was all covered in hay and dirt, just the way a baby should be after visiting the 4-H section.

We couldn't get far without checking out the wheels on the tractors and mowers.

Oh, and the Humvee. We had to get near those giant wheels.

Axel and Mommy shared a corn dog. He liked it for a while, then threw it on the ground which made the rest inedible for Mommy.

After walking around a bit, we had our giant, gooey delicious cinnamon roll and made our way to the carnival area for one pass through. I didn't want to put Axel over the top with too much stimulation. A good ride on Daddy was the way to go.

I think we'll make it a family tradition to get a photo in front of all the lights of the carnival. It's really the only time we stop when walking through that area.

We also have a tradition of climbing in the photo booth (this year, it was more like stuffing ourselves in). Ram and I have a black and white strip of photos from the fair for every year we have been married. Hopefully, the kids will still want to do it when they are big. This year, Axel looks so much like his Daddy does in his family photo strip from when he was little.

What fun we had once again at the fair. Now it's time to look forward to next year.